[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
I can't believe I cleared out
that whole hallway for nothing.
This is such a waste, too.
I mean, the military is barely doing
its job, but they could outsource this.
Make a public announcement that
every gun owner is welcome
to come here and shoot aliens.
Kill as many as you want.
Militias dream of something
like this happening.
If we open this up, it would be
like a modern-day pilgrimage
for a third of the country.
Hey, maybe there's a drainage pipe here.
Oh, I forgot about this thing.
So, what's this valve do?
Drain the pond?
Yeah, why not? I don't even
have to touch the egg sac...
[snarks chirping]
...shit.
NO! RUH-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH...!
Friggin'... popcorn bugs!
Well, that actually went
better than I thought,
because, besides the fact that I don't have
a screaming insect thing biting my face,
it look like that doesn't drain the pond
but opened up a hatchway instead.
I guess it's sealed so that water
doesn't seep in when it rains
and floods the underground manmade
pond here with no source of water,
and this all makes sense
because we're in the desert.
I feel like there's
something I should be doing.
[laser chirps, turret whines]
Whoa-WHOA!
Okay, it's more about what I
should NOT be doing!
Not being shot hasn't changed!
[turret firing]
it's still true today!
In fact, that's a life lesson you can
take with you: Don't get shot. Ever.
I am glad this thing shot
the aliens, though,
and it's not specifically
programmed to only shoot me,
because, frankly, that wouldn't
surprise me at this point.
Okay, this runs west to east, but I don't
even know which way I've been going.
I'm gonna go another way.
Okay... but these tunnels are
completely gated off.
So, yeah, that was a simple decision.
I wonder if I'm being herded
towards more danger.
I mean, of course I am, but I
wonder if it's deliberate.
If I ever get out of here or
find a copy of the blueprints,
I bet I'm going to discover I've took the
longest possible path through the facility.
Some architect will look at the map
and say, "Oh, you took THAT tunnel.
"Yeah, that added two miles to your route."
Yep. Another shark. Of course.
Yeah, I'm dead certain there
were sharks here
before this whole teleportation madness.
I mean, I saw a shark cage;
what more proof do I need?
Yeah! You stay back in the pool!
Nobody's evolving legs on my watch!
Hey, that part looks shallow; maybe
I don't HAVE to be a shark-hunter.
That would definitely reduce my stress.
Besides, what's the point if I
don't have a trophy to show people?
I can't get the carcass stuffed;
people will have to take me at
my word I've killed sharks.
I don't want to be that guy.
Holy crap, it's a Charlie Chaplin cog.
So, it's either this or the shark, huh?
Oh, there's a gap. This is slow moving.
Bah! I am Captain Hydroelectric.
At least I assume that's
what this place is for.
[lock jiggles]
Why is this locked?
This place is pretty remote; I
bet there's skeletons inside.
Ah! I hope I can find some gold teeth.
Yeah, I guess that should've
been my first guess.
Y'know, I have found explosives
just lying on shelves or in boxes,
but a hidden padlocked door
contains absolutely nothing.
I guess the idea is things are more secure
if you do the exact opposite of
what you should do?
I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF THE WATER!
WORMS EVERYWHERE!
[straining]
Okay... gaahhh...
...c'mon! ...daah! ...gaaaahhhh!
Are these worms even real or
am I just going through withdrawal
because I'm a bigger alcoholic
than I thought?
I don't drink THAT much,
that's what pills are for.
And, what the hell?
This gear isn't turning anything!
It's not just out of sync, there's
literally nothing for it to turn!
It's not a water wheel... there's
no damned point to this thing at all!
Oh, wait, I see. It must be here to crush
the shark if it tries to swim up here.
Ah, okay. Paper beats rock.
Hand-grenade beats unmanned sentry g--
Okay... that... was the rehearsal,
so now let's do the real thing. Yeah!
Y'know, I'm getting pretty tired of these
explosives that don't actually do anything.
Was there a mix-up at the factory
and some kid with fireworks is getting
his hands blown off right now?
All right, let's do this the hard way.
Maybe the grenades are like the
bullets in Starship Troopers
where they train with blanks but
every 10,000th round is real.
So, it's like that, but in reverse.
[ichthyosaur growls]
[underwater mumbling]
[ichthyosaur growls]
[underwater mumbling]
Yeah, that shark's pretty wound up.
I'm getting out of the water before
it figures out how to jump the fence.
Getting shot makes me upset, too.
Oh, maybe he's here to feed the shark.
Well, I can't endorse that.
GO BACK! THE SHARK'S NOT WORTH IT!
NOW, YOUR DYING WISH MAYBE FOR
ME TO FEED YOU TO THE SHARK,
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT!
YOU'RE BETTER OFF LEAVING!
Y'see? Man, I'm not even
sure this guy was military.
Maybe he's just a PETA-extremist
that snuck in here.
Yeah, I'll try and strap some
more of these to me.
Ahh, I don't think I can hold any more.
I'll just need to find an excuse
to use a rocket launcher.
I could think of a lot of excuses.
Okay, looks clear enough.
[plane whines, distant explosions]
God, they're still bombing?
Well, these guys don't seem
concerned about that,
so that means I'm either
clear of the bombing
[plane whines, distant explosions]
or else, they're incredibly stupid.
[plane whines, closer explosions]
Oh, shit! That's a tank!
I wonder if anyone's operating it?
[ears ringing]
C'MON, MAN! YOU TRYIN' TO HURT MY EARS?!
[plane whines, explosions]
OH, YEAH!
But, I'm still not convinced.
Okay, now I'm more convinced.
Now, a lesser man might
keep moving blindly,
but I am a man of vision and
I have seen more rockets.
I mean, literally; I have some vacancies
now and I haven't forgotten about those.
[cockroach crunches]
Yuck.
Now I can keep moving blindly.
Speaking of blind, why did the soldiers
both have their backs toward me
when I came out of the hole even
though the tank was facing my direction?
I mean, it clearly looks like they're
trying to guard this end of the road;
the tank wouldn't be there otherwise.
Maybe it's some interpretive
form of guard duty hopscotch.
This job probably gets pretty boring
without me to come spice things up.
[turret whines]
WHOO-BA-DEE-BOOP-BOP-BOW!
Well, it works both ways; they find plenty
of ways to keep my day interesting as well.
All right, let's do this.
I hate playing peek-a-boo with
this thing; there's no emotion.
This is why robots are never
going to rule the world.
Robots are only good at
highly-specific tasks.
We only wish they would take over
the world. Then we wouldn't have to.
But then, we're the ones that would have
to program them, so what the hell?
[muzak]
This music really doesn't
[muzak]
match my mood right now.
[muzak]
Battery life on robots suck, too.